


Find My Way Back

by RedCoral



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Can Dance, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Makeup, but not really, perceived infidelity, vague description of sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCoral/pseuds/RedCoral
Summary: So, what happens to a relationship when routine eats away at them, when life gets in the way without them even realizing it? Does destiny work its ways when love itself fails to sustain them?This is Merlin and Arthur's journey. Summary may not be good, but I promise the story is better....After all, how can an epic love story be confined in such few words?
Relationships: Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)/Original Male Character(s), Merlin (Merlin)/Original Male Character(s), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76





	1. Leave Me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing okay during these difficult (and extremely surreal - still can't believe we're living through this) times. If you're looking for something that hurts so good and leaves you tingling in the end with warm happy feelings, then this is the fic for you. Not the first Merthur fic I've written, but the first I've posted. These two are timeless and somehow I wanted to contribute to that.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> (Disclaimer: I don't own the show. Wish I did, but I don't.)

It’s over.

It’s been over for a while now. The only difference was that now they are ready to admit it, they are ready to let go. They’ve been together – _had_ – long enough that they had stopped celebrating anniversaries. Or maybe that’s what the distance had done to them, who knows what happens after being 7 years with the same person; Arthur definitely doesn’t.

The thing is, that it isn’t even a physical distance. They are both living in the same city, in the same apartment, working the same hours. Yet Arthur is having a hard time remembering when the last time was they had something to talk about. But it had happened and neither of them had realized in time to change it.

Arthur is currently cleaning his stuff out of the house. He had insisted Merlin keep it. This house – this house means nothing without Merlin living in it. Merlin had fallen in love with it the moment they stepped inside, and Arthur had fallen for Merlin’s awe on his face as he took in his surroundings. This place is Merlin’s. Arthur had just been feeding off of his energy and love. He wonders how it took him so long to realize he was starving by now.

Anyway – it doesn’t matter anymore.

Arthur opens his desk drawer to clean out any important documents hidden in the confined space when his fingers come across a packet he had long forgotten to mail. He grabs it and brings it closer, his legs giving out beneath him as he falls onto his chair. Tears threaten to fall as he looks over his signature, waiting for Merlin’s right under his name written out in Arthur’s intelligible handwriting.

Adoption papers.

He remembers them talking about it one night cuddled up on the couch. He wanted to surprise him, had gotten everything prepared but never found the time to show him. He remembers the excitement he felt at the prospects their future held. Where had they gone? A part of him tells him it’s better this way, easier moving out now that no children are involved. Another wonders if kids would have changed their end.

“I’m sorry.”

Arthur jumps at Merlin’s voice. He never used to before, his presence had always been welcome. He throws the papers in his bag absentmindedly, immediately forgetting about them. “Don’t be.” He doesn’t want him to be sorry. He wants him to be happy and Arthur can’t make him happy anymore. He doesn’t even know if he has the strength to try. Merlin has made it clear he’s dry.

He is standing with his arms crossed leaning against the doorway.

“I never thought-” he starts but never finishes his sentence.

One of the few things he can still do right is understand. Understand Merlin and his cryptographic tendencies when he lacks words. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, Arthur feels secure. He _knows_ he will understand Merlin like Merlin understands him. Is it one-sided now? He doesn’t know, but he reckons it doesn’t matter either. “No one does, do they?” He looks at Merlin. He doesn’t raise his eyebrow like he would have before, he doesn’t smirk like he did every time he pointed out something Merlin should have known. He’s not feeling it.

Merlin uncrosses his arms and sighs, arms falling limply at his sides without a sound. “I guess they don’t.”

There’s nothing left to say really. Not in this room, not here where –

_Arthur was sitting on the couch reading a book as he waited for Merlin to come back from work. He should have been home hours ago, but he was covering a friend’s shift for her daughter’s birthday. Arthur hated his kindness when it kept Merlin away from him. He missed Merlin like crazy, and he never handled missing Merlin well, especially now that he was in a new environment, having moved in this house with Merlin a month ago. But he never said a thing, ‘cause he loved that idiot’s big heart. If he didn’t have it, he doubted he would have ever been able to love Arthur. So, he tried to lose himself in the fictional world of a past that is probably never going to be repeated, with Kings and Queens, Knights and Sorcerers fighting evil witches and beasts. He hadn’t realized how mesmerized he’d been until he felt a weight land on his chest and his breath left him with an audible ‘oof’. “_ Mer _lin,” he reprimanded though his tone came out softer than he meant to._

_“Whatcha reading?” Merlin mumbled with his mouth full of bread, settling back into Arthur’s arms._

_Arthur raised an eyebrow at him with a smirk that was strongly fighting to become a smile, “Comfy?”_

_“Very,” Merlin beamed at him._

_God, he loved this idiot. “Get off me, you doofus.”_

_Merlin raised his own eyebrows back looking down at Arthur’s book about Camelot, calling Arthur’s bluff. “As you wish, sire.” He tried to sit up, but Arthur locked his arms tighter around Merlin’s waist, his book now somewhere on the floor, the page uncaringly lost. “I thought you wanted me to get up.” Merlin smiled – his mouth still full of food._

_“I changed my mind,” Arthur said, pulling him even closer. “Now are you going to swallow or am I going to have to kiss you with your mouth full?” He asked, his voice low, reaching a timber only Merlin had brought out of him._

_Merlin wiggled his eyebrows in response, still swallowing down his bite to say, “never stopped you before.”_

_Arthur rolled his eyes at his cheekiness but didn’t back down from the challenge. “You never had such issue either.”_

_Merlin shrugged, “I’m not the one complaining.”_

_Arthur looked at him with a cross between a pout and a glare. “Merlin?”_

_“Yes, love?”_

_And that was it for Arthur. The way he said it, how easily the words escaped from Merlin’s mouth, it made something flutter in his chest, and for once he didn’t try to smother it. In the almost three years they had been together this feeling in his chest had never failed to amaze him, to leave him out of breath. He always pushed it down or tried to. This time he leaned in fast, caught Merlin’s lips between his own and kissed him as if he hadn’t for days, like Merlin was the only drug he had ever known and never wanted to let go of, a withdrawal in its own right if Arthur said so._

_When they parted, Merlin’s breath was coming in pants, his eyes wide with lust and warm with love, burning with a passion._

_Arthur was pretty sure he looked about the same way. “Don’t ever leave me again,” he ordered, though his voice trembled._

_“I won’t,” Merlin promised and kissed him again._

– He can’t stand here anymore. Arthur won’t hold Merlin to his promise, but he needs to go.

Merlin grabs his arm as he tries to walk away, reach his box on the living room floor. “I wish-”

“Don’t.” _Don’t wish_ , he wanted to say. _Don’t make me wish for you, please._ He couldn’t find the words even though they were running in circles inside his head. “I know we said we’d be friends but give us time. There are things neither of us are ready to hear.” He walks away, leaving a confused Merlin behind.

But Merlin follows him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

His voice haunts him even though he’s not gone yet. He can hear the wheels turning inside his head even though he’s nowhere near his line of sight, thinking what Arthur just said. It makes Arthur explode. “Would you just stop thinking, Merlin?! You haven’t for the past two years, why so obsessed with it now?!” he threw the words out there without thinking about it. Merlin looks like he just slapped him. Arthur feels like he did. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“You did,” Merlin whispers. Arthur rarely says things he doesn’t mean when he explodes like that. He’s scared, yes, he’s always more scared than angry when he yells, but Merlin has no idea what he’s scared of now. That’s what makes him realize he has no idea what Arthur’s been scared of for a while now. Aren’t you supposed to know your partner’s fears and wishes? Merlin knows neither.

Arthur sighs. “It wasn’t just you, Merlin. If I wanted to think, I would have. We both made mistakes.”

“Did you not want to?” Merlin asks, his voice smaller than Arthur had ever heard.

Arthur stops to think now, tries to go through the past year in fast forward yet wishes he could go back and record over it; something, anything, even one of those ugly arguments they used to have. “I didn’t think I had to,” he says eventually, and ain’t that the truth.

Merlin takes a deep breath, looking at him, steps forward once, “Do you want to now?” Merlin doesn’t know why he asks. He only knows that when Arthur walks out that door, he will be gone and Merlin doesn’t know how to handle that. He doesn’t want to handle a life without Arthur. Whether that’s because the unknown terrifies him, or the emptiness without Arthur is catching up to him, Merlin can’t say. Maybe that’s why this is happening. Merlin is still trying to prevent it for some reason.

“I-I don’t know.”

Merlin gasps, the invisible punch finding its mark, but Arthur doesn’t stay, he doesn’t try to make it better. He grabs his last box and is almost out the door before he stops, his head turned to the side so only the corner of his eye is visible and speaks.

“I told you once, I only want you to be happy, even if that’s not with me. I’ll be fine somehow. Just, be happy. Can you do that for me, Merlin?”

Arthur had never cried a tear in front of Merlin, and he doesn’t witness as Merlin falls to his knees, his breath coming in sobs, the tears free-falling, and he can’t make them stop. He doesn’t see because he has already walked away, and Merlin can’t bring himself to close the door.

He doesn’t, for hours. When he does, the tears have stopped falling in rivers, now just a small drizzle here and there.

Arthur doesn’t come back. Merlin wishes he did.


	2. (Don't) Forget Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention in the previous chapter, the part in italics are flashbacks and memories. Enjoy!!

_Arthur hated seeing Merlin miserable. Drunk Merlin was most of the time funny and adorable, but now, as he was sitting at the bar nursing a bottle of something that he didn’t even care what it was away from all of their friends… he hated it. And he hated whoever made him feel this way with a passion._

_“Are you going to sulk here all night?” Arthur asked as he sat on the stool next to him._

_Merlin merely scowled at him, not in the mood for company if that wasn’t obvious already. “What do you care?”_

_“When have I ever not?” Arthur threw back nonchalantly, without even thinking about it, but he didn’t retract his statement. It was true. He looked at Merlin who was blushing looking down at his fingers fidgeting around the bottle._

_Merlin didn’t know what to say. He stopped and tried to think of a time when Arthur hadn’t been there for him, but unless you counted the time before they had met, there wasn’t one._

_“So, you’re gonna tell me what’s wrong or am I going to have to get it out of you?” He turned his body facing Merlin, leaning on an elbow resting on the bar as he looked at his friend in concern._

_“Jack broke up with me.”_

_Arthur almost gaped like a fish. It had been hard watching his best friend of five years and love of his life of almost the same amount of time be with someone else, but Merlin’s parade of boyfriends and girlfriends had made Merlin smile and that’s all he could ever ask for. It hurt, god did it hurt. But he could take it. Arthur could take a lot when it came to Merlin. He still hated himself for being relieved at Merlin’s misery. “He’s an idiot, then. We already knew that.” It also hadn’t been a secret Arthur hated that guy._

_Merlin snorted as he took a swig from the bottle. “You don’t get it.” Arthur was perfect, blond, blue eyes, fit, with the arms of a model and the arse of a god. He wouldn’t know what Merlin was going through._

_“Explain it to me, then.”_

_“Not everyone’s you, you know, with your… everything,” he said his hands moving around to point out the majesty that was Arthur, who looked even more confused than before. “I’m not you. I’m… me. Awkward, big ears, knobbly knees, lack of filter. People don’t love me like they do you. I thought he could,” he admitted lastly in a whisper that Arthur barely caught. He didn’t look at Arthur at any point. He didn’t know if it was embarrassment or something else, but Arthur was burning with a rage that was trying to convince him to track down Jack and let him know what his fist feels like on his face. Merlin didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve sitting alone in the bar doubting himself, distorting the good for ugly. Merlin deserved more than this. Merlin_ was _more than this._

_“You’re wrong,” he said, and Merlin shook his head at him. How could he not see? Didn’t he look at himself in the mirror in the mornings? Arthur yearned to have that privilege. “People love you. There’s someone out there that loves you.”_

_Merlin pursed his lips in anger, disbelief, disappointment? Arthur couldn’t say. But his voice sounded small, hesitant when he next spoke. “How do you know?”_

_It was Arthur’s turn to smile sadly this time, though he tried not to show, avoiding Merlin’s eyes as he admitted, “I know this person, intimately one might say.” Merlin didn’t speak for a while. And his silence drew Arthur’s eyes to him like a moth to a flame. This time, it felt as if Merlin was looking right through him, his gaze calculating, wheels turning fast, the way Merlin’s always did when he was trying to solve a puzzle._

_“Then why haven’t they done anything?” Merlin asked carefully, eyes not leaving Arthur’s own, implying something both were unsure to discuss openly._

_“Maybe because they want you to be happy, even if it’s not with them.” He wishes he was brave enough to use the correct the pronoun, however something told him Merlin understood what he wanted to say either way._

_Merlin frowned then, “What if I want to be with them? Don’t I get a choice?” he asked stubbornly._

_Arthur had told himself exactly that a hundred times, and then he would turn over and see the way Merlin looked at his partner at the time, as if they held the sun and personally procured the rainbow, a way that had never been directed at Arthur. Merlin didn’t feel the same and he couldn’t hold it against him. He laughed, he smiled – not at him, or with him, but it was enough. “You don’t.” Whether he meant Merlin didn’t want to be with him or didn’t get a choice, Arthur didn’t specify._

_Merlin looked away from him then, picking at the label on the bottle trying to find the right words to say what he needed to. “Aren’t you going to ask why Jack broke up with me?”_

_If Arthur was surprised or disappointed at the change of topic, Merlin didn’t know – he didn’t show any obvious signs. Yet he responded, as polite and charming as ever. “It’s none of my business.”_

_Merlin gulped then, because, “It is.”_

_Arthur froze. So many scenarios went through his head at the admission, playing one after the other like a broken record that couldn’t stop working. Did that mean what he thought it meant? What he wished? He didn’t dare to hope. “I don’t understand.”_

_“He thinks I don’t love him, not the way I love you. He thinks I want someone else, you, Arthur. I never bothered to correct him.”_

_“Merlin-”_

_“He said I spent more time talking about you than asking about him. He said he knew more about your likes rather than mine,” Merlin laughed hysterically, sadly, painfully. Jack hadn’t been wrong. And what Arthur was saying, if he was reading this correctly… he wasn’t ready for this. But he didn’t want to let go of it either, not now that he had the chance._

_Arthur didn’t know what to say. Hope was flaring in his chest at what Merlin just admitted, but he was still looking miserable, so he was having a hard time to see how this helped either of them._

_Merlin took a deep, shaky breath. He knew what he had to do, and he was afraid for what that meant for either of them, but Arthur deserved to have the best person possible standing by his side, and right now that wasn’t Merlin. Merlin turned to face him; it was the least he could do. “I – I can’t do this, Arthur, not right now.” He saw Arthur’s face fall, unable to hold the reaction back, and Merlin rushed to grab his hand, hold it between his own because that’s not what he meant. “I don’t want to hurt you, and if anything happened now, that’s all I would do.” He needed time to be able to be happy on his own before he was happy with someone else. Arthur deserved someone who had his life together, who could stand on their own two feet without falling over halfway._

_“I need time.” He didn’t ask Arthur to give him it, he had no right to. “You deserve more than this. You deserve more than this wreck standing in front of you.”_

_“Merlin, you’re not-”_

_He didn’t let Arthur finish. “I don’t want to be this wreck standing in front of you. I want to be more to you, just like you are more to me.”_

_Arthur smiled then, slightly yet truly, and used Merlin’s grip on his hand to guide him closer, so close their faces were a breath apart. “You are. You are more than that,” Arthur breathed in the space between them. He indulged and allowed them to have this moment of maybes where what-ifs did not exist. And then he pulled back, letting Merlin go. “I understand. But Merlin, you must know. If anything happens, just be happy, okay? Even if that isn’t with me, be happy. Please.” The last word was hard to come out, but Merlin needed to know. Arthur wasn’t here to use him or take anything from him. He had no expectations. Wishes aplenty, but nothing else._

_Merlin smiled then back, sad because of all they had to go through to reach this moment, satisfied because Arthur wanted him back. “How can it be anyone else?”_

_As unsure as their future was when they parted after this, Merlin knew it in his heart; he would find his way back to Arthur. Come hell or high water, he’d stand by his side._

* * *

Arthur doesn’t have a place of his own yet. He’s not ready to look, he’s unsure he even wants to. Gwaine has kindly enough let him move in for now. He keeps on saying he doesn’t care how long he stays, he has the spare room, but Arthur doesn’t want to impose. After Merlin and Leon, Gwaine is his closest friend. And when it came to Merlin, he is the best one.

They had had a rocky start at first, Arthur jealous of him for being so affectionate with Merlin in ways Arthur himself had never dared to, and Gwaine distasteful of him thinking he was a secret homophobe. Until he saw Arthur’s expression when Merlin introduced the new boyfriend that came after Gwaine had become a part of their lives and understood more than Arthur had ever meant him to. Ever since, they had bonded over their affection and over-protectiveness they expressed towards Merlin, though they were both of a different nature. Gwaine was the only one who had known back then the extent of Arthur’s feelings for Merlin. Gwaine never pushed, though he teased Arthur relentlessly.

And now, here they are, Arthur an emotionless shell of who he used to be with cracks all over the place and Gwaine a worried mother-hen that had never come to the surface before. Arthur had to admit, he hid it well, but he still saw the concern in his eyes, the trepidation.

He plopped on the sofa next to Arthur and tried to ask nonchalantly, even though he missed by a mile, “So, princess. Wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Gwaine scoffed, but Arthur for once was telling the truth. “Honestly, there’s nothing to talk about. We’ve been apart for a lot longer than today.” Arthur has been single for less than a day, but he hasn’t felt committed for more time than he was willing to admit, not just to Gwaine, but to himself.

“What do you mean?” Gwaine asks carefully. He knows that there is more to every story, but this particular one had bloomed right in front of him and had wilted slower, almost imperceptibly unless you were paying close attention. Gwaine was too late to see.

Arthur sighs, because all it comes down to is, “We changed.”

“People change all the time, princess.”

Arthur looks at Gwaine momentarily, and his face is free of judgement. “Maybe. Even so, we just don’t fit anymore, Gwaine.”

“How do you know?”

He had sworn once he’d never hurt Merlin, and now Gwaine has every right to turn him away. He hasn’t yet. But Arthur dreads he will after he listens to the truth.

_Arthur had gone out with some co-workers to the bar._

_When they had asked, he hadn’t even stopped to this about it, gave his positive response as if he was in the same predicament as them, with no one waiting for him at home. He quickly shrugged it off. Merlin’s not waiting up for him. He was probably already asleep or focused on the TV. He had been for a while now every time Arthur came home. He either was too tired to keep his eyes open, or wanted to catch up with all the TV shows he had missed because of work. Merlin can make himself busy if he needs to. Arthur needs a night out with the guys._

_As he walked out into the bullpen, he saw some female co-workers joining them as well. He didn’t pay them any mind. He just followed Elyan and Percy to the lift, joking and laughing with them all the way down to the lobby._

_When they reached the place, Arthur was surprised and reluctant to go in. It was a Latin bar. Arthur wasn’t one for much dancing, not anymore. But he was high on the positivity surrounding him, drunk on the laughter, the freedom he felt by being outside. He hadn’t realized he had felt trapped. He didn’t linger on the feeling. Soon enough, the music took over every sensation._

_Arthur went straight to the bar to buy the first round as everyone else went to find them seats at the tables surrounding the center stage where couples where already dancing, a foxtrot if he was correct. It’s been years since he last danced. Arthur actually loved ballroom dancing; he had been good at it. The technique and focus it required had kept him sane during high school and then university, back when he didn’t have the guts to go against his father’s wishes. When he did and followed his dreams, Merlin came into his life and dancing fell behind. But now, the music was flowing through him, from his arms to his shoulders, his chest feeling the vibration of the beat, his hips wanting to move to the rhythm, his feet holding it all back._

_He felt good, smiled at the bartender and got ten bucks thrown off their tab. Though he pointedly ignored his appreciative gaze, it still made him smile. He put the drinks on the tray and navigated his way around the room to find his friends. He found them and offered them their glasses, toasted with them to something he couldn’t hear with how loud the music was, or how focused Arthur was on it. He sat next to Percy and listened as he told one story or another, laughed in all the right places, but his heart was beating to the rhythm of the music._

_Suddenly, the music changed, and Arthur recognized the song from the first note. Apparently, Elyan did too, because he yelled at him from the opposite side of their group. “Hey, Arthur. Weren’t you like a waltz champion or something a few years back?”_

_Arthur rolled his eyes at the statement but felt his face flush as all eyes turned to him. “I just won a few competitions, Elyan. That hardly makes me a champion.” Arthur rarely showed humility, but when he did, it usually referred to dancing._

_“You’re Arthur Pendragon?!” Someone said from his right, someone from the company that he didn’t know, from a different department, though her face looked familiar._

_He almost frowned at her in confusion. “Um, yes?” he thought she must have already known. Though he didn’t know her name either._

_“Okay, I want a rematch!” she yelled, putting her drink on the table rather dramatically, with more force than necessary, the liquid sloshing on the sides. Arthur still looked at her confusion, so she elaborated, “my partner and I lost to you and your sister in 2012.” She got up from her seat and moved all the way to where Arthur was, her palm up in an offer. “Come on, Pendragon. Let’s see if you’re as good as they say you are. Unless, you’re scared.”_

_As the rest of them started chanting his name, Arthur stood up, taking the woman’s hand. “Very well, then. Follow my lead?”_

_“That’s the plan,” she said with a smile that made a chill run through his bones. He ignored it. It must be the nerves. He hadn’t danced for years after all._

_“DJ! From the top!” He heard someone yell, someone that sounded a lot like Percy, but he was busy placing himself and his partner in position. Then the music started, and everything started to fade away. It was a modified version of Skyfall and the music got to him as they spun around the room, their faces away from each other but their feet following the steps as if they’ve done this for years. Taken from how easily she followed him, Arthur would have to say in a way they both had danced for years, created and practiced routines that by now felt like second nature. Arthur didn’t expect he would still remember it after so long, but he did. He didn’t know if muscle memory existed as a neurological finding, but this moment could provide them of proof._

_He felt her body move against his, though they were barely touching. He couldn’t remember when was the last time Arthur had felt this, another body against his own copying his movements and that made him panic. Nothing showed on his face, professionalism dominating his dance like it used to. He pretended in his head the woman in his arms was Morgana, and not someone that wasn’t Merlin. He had tried to teach that idiot so many times how to waltz, the simplest dance, but he was too clumsy to stay standing for long. The last time they had tried was two years ago. He led his partner to an underarm turn and noticed her blond hair and pretty face, brown eyes barely catching his own._

_This wasn’t Morgana._

_It wasn’t Merlin either._

_Arthur didn’t stop. He looked away again, and when the dance finished, he noticed no other couple had joined them on the floor. The music paused and the applaud was deafening. The woman in front of him was smiling from ear to ear and Arthur was terrified. She leaned in and he didn’t move. It was almost too late when he did._

_Almost._

_That’s what he kept repeating to himself as he left the bar, started on the long walk home. That’s what he told himself when he put his keys in the door only for darkness to greet him as he walked in his house – their house, his and Merlin’s. That’s also what he told himself when Merlin showed no reaction when he got into bed, not a huff or a groan like he usually did. That’s what Arthur told himself as he lied there on his back facing the ceiling, hesitated to touch his own boyfriend of seven years now, wondering if his touch was even welcome anymore._

_As he lied there with Merlin pretending to be asleep beside him, the chasm between them was getting, wider, deeper, stronger, and Arthur had no idea._

_He hadn’t seen Elyan FaceTime Merlin, showing him live the whole performance. He hadn’t seen Merlin watch him almost kiss another woman._

_But Merlin had. And that’s when he knew._

_Arthur wasn’t his anymore._

_\--_

Gwaine’s silence becomes asphyxiating and Arthur becomes restless. “I can leave. You don’t have to-” Arthur tries to get up, but he doesn’t get to before an arm pushes him back down.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Arthur sighs and finds courage he doesn’t have to look at one of his ex-boyfriend’s best friends. “I know how much you care for Merlin, and after what I did,” he doesn’t know what else to say. But he doesn’t have to.

“You didn’t do anything,” Gwaine reminded him.

“Weren’t you paying attention just now?” Arthur scowls at him.

“All I heard was an Arthur GuiltfestTM because for once you managed to take that stick out of your ass long enough to have fun,” Gwaine helpfully pointed out, his tone teasing but his eyes turning sad and full of pity afterwards. “Whatever happened between you two, is not just on you. I love Merlin to death, and I would kill anyone who hurt him, but he hurt you too, Arthur. I wouldn’t be a good friend to either of you if I didn’t see that.”

“Thank you,” Arthur says, his voice breaking.

Gwaine leaned in, resting his elbows on his knees as his eyes locked to Arthur’s, leaving all pretence of the levity he had aimed for before, “Are you going to be alright, mate?”

Arthur is taken aback by the seriousness and worry on Gwaine’s face. He knew he cared. Despite his trickster-exterior, Gwaine cares deeply for all those to whom he’s loyal. Yet Arthur never expected to be on the receiving end. It scratches a chip off the pain that’s barely holding him together, the cracks showing more and more as the stitches burst, Arthur desperate to hold them together, unable to succeed. “I don’t – Did I make the right choice, Gwaine?”

Something breaks inside Gwaine at Arthur’s despair, something twists in his stomach, feeling the pain of his friend in his gut. He wishes he knew the answer, for his friends, for their happiness, for their health. But he doesn’t. All he can do is stand there, witness as his friend breaks apart with only his arms for comfort and a few words whispered that don’t hold much confidence, “Only time will tell, love. Only time.”


	3. (Don't) Come Back To Me

It’s been seven months. Arthur is still living with Gwaine, taking it one day at a time. It hasn’t been easy. After being seven years with one person Arthur is having a hard time being without _him._ It’s hard to even think his name, let alone say it. Every time he does there’s an onslaught of memories attacking his brain making him question every choice he has ever made. It’s been getting easier to smile, but the emptiness inside him is only getting bigger. Gwaine can see it. In all honesty, anyone can. Arthur is not the same anymore. His presence is dimmer, his energy fading. He falls into his work, tries to start dancing again, but he can’t bring himself to place his hand on his partner’s waist.

Gwaine has had enough. It’s why they’re here in the pub just the two of them, sitting on the side of the bar as Gwaine tries to find the best candidate for Arthur to pull tonight, creating stories for them as if he’s doing an imaginary background check. They’re both nursing a pint of beer, not the first for either of them. Arthur is well on his way to the third one, or the fourth – he doesn’t quite care. He’s laughing at a ridiculous story Gwaine has come up with, when Gwaine abruptly stops and Arthur tenses for no reason other than Gwaine is rarely surprised and that can only mean one thing.

“Arthur…” Gwaine starts but doesn’t know what to say.

He’s even more handsome than before if that’s even possible. His hair is a shorter, airbrushed and artfully tossed to the side. There’s a five o’clock shadow on his face that makes him look older, yet more beautiful than ever. He’s wearing that black coat Arthur’s always loved that brings out his eyes, his ‘date-coat’. Arthur doesn’t even need to see the man following him holding his hand to know what he’s witnessing.

“Arthur, I’m sorry,” Gwaine says, because he didn’t know. He’s been keeping in touch with Merlin, but Merlin never said.

Arthur gulps, finding it almost impossible to look away even though his heart is breaking inside his chest all over again. “It’s okay.” It’s not Gwaine’s fault. “Let’s just go.” Arthur abandons his pint and is out the door before Gwaine can even call his name. He doesn’t pay, he knows Gwaine will cover it. He steps to the side, away from the windows because he knows there’s no other way to keep him from looking back inside, back at _him, them_.

* * *

Merlin catches a shining reflection from the corner of his eye, turns around with just enough time to see a strong back with wide shoulders attached to a head full of blond hair, so light it almost looks golden in the lighting of the pub. And then he’s gone.

_Arthur_. Merlin looks around. Arthur couldn’t have been here alone. He searches the room until his eyes lock with Gwaine’s who sends a nod his way, but Merlin’s feet are already leading to him, sprouting an excuse to the man following him that he hopes is sufficient. He gets there just as Gwaine has pulled on his coat, leaving some bills to cover his expenses.

“Merlin,” he greets his with an easy smile that is tight around the edges. Merlin probably deserves it.

“How is he?” Merlin blurts. That’s not the greeting he meant to give, but now that he’s here he can’t think of anything else; he has to know.

If Gwaine is surprised at his question he doesn’t show. Instead he raises an eyebrow at him, as if he’s trying to point out his own idiocy, and says, “Why don’t you ask him? I thought you were going to stay _friends_.” He emphasizes the last word and Merlin flushes in shame at what is implied.

Merlin was the one who asked to stay friends and Merlin was the one who went back on that. “Gwaine, I-” he tries for explanation but Gwaine doesn’t let him give it. Merlin doesn’t know if he’s meant to feel relief because he doesn’t really have the explanation or pain because he should have. He feels both.

Gwaine shakes his head, “Whatever it is you have to say, Merlin, it’s not me you have to say it to.” His face transforms with a polite smile and Merlin understands why when he feels an arm around his waist. An arm that is starkly obvious not Arthur’s.

“Everything okay here?” He hears a suspicious voice, but Merlin can’t bring himself to answer.

Gwaine does. “Just catching up with an old friend,” he says, pointedly not introducing himself as he goes away with a “have a good night, mate. Have fun.”

‘Old friend’. That’s what Merlin is now, ‘old’, not ‘best’ as he once was. Merlin wonders if Gwaine is keeping his treatment of Arthur against him or if his absence is the only vice committed against their friendship.

The man he’s with turns him around, brings his chin up to look into his eyes. “You good?” he asks with a soft smile.

Merlin tries to return it, though he thinks he fails. “Yeah, let’s find a table,” he suggests and suddenly history is not in the past any longer.

\--

When Gwaine comes outside, the two of them start walking, the winter air making their faces cold, their hands thrust deep in their pockets, though Arthur barely pays any mind to the weather. He is too busy focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, pushing himself toward the opposite direction that he wants to go.

“You wanna talk about it?” Gwaine interrupts his concentration.

Arthur stops walking and sighs audibly, “Do we have to?”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow at him, “Judging by the look on your face, I’d say, yeah, we do, princess.”

“I don’t –” Arthur starts, but he doesn’t know how to finish it. What? He doesn’t have a look? He probably does. He just watched the man he loves – _loved –_ with another guy, his replacement if Arthur had to guess. But he can’t say all that, he can’t admit things to Gwaine that he doesn’t even admit to himself. “Look, I asked him to be happy and he is. He’s just doing what I asked.” They start walking again, Gwaine following close behind.

Gwaine snorts, “He was not happy, mate.” Gwaine has seen both of his friends smile, and the truth is their smiles have never gotten wider than they were when they had been together. Even though both of them say this is for the best, he has yet to see it.

“He was smiling, Gwaine.”

Gwaine grins at him, “So were you, but that doesn’t mean you’re happy.” He’s amused with Arthur’s selective obliviousness, not his unhappiness. It’s the only way to cover up the concern he feels for his friend, but maybe it is time for someone to let him know. One of Merlin’s job requirements as a suitable mate was his ability to call Arthur out on his bullshit whenever possible. Gwaine never thought the day would come where such task would be passed on to him.

“Gwaine –” Arthur tries to say something but Gwaine doesn’t let him. He grabs his arm to stop him and turns him around to face him. Gwaine needs to see Arthur as he speaks, make sure he understands what he wants to say. He waits for Arthur to look at him in order to start speaking.

“Arthur. Look, I’m not saying to hold it against him for moving on. I’m just asking, why haven’t you?”

Arthur shakes his head to himself, as if he’s trying to banish thoughts from his own mind. He is. There is one thing Gwaine might be right about. “You’re right. I need to move on. Let’s go.” He starts walking toward another bar, a club maybe, somewhere where the music is too loud for Arthur to listen to his own mind. He doesn’t stop even as he hears Gwaine call his name with what he is sure is a frown on his face. He hears steps falling along with his and he knows, whatever happens tonight, Gwaine has got his back.

Gwaine has a bad feeling about this. It feels like foreboding regret. As much as he wants Arthur to be happy again, he has forgotten how to make that happen. And this, is certainly not it.

* * *

Arthur feels hands on his hips, fingers that are not the long lithe ones he’s used to. He remembers how it was with Merlin, how every touch felt like he was a treasure Merlin had never expected to find. Even years after they had been together, when their idea of spending their lives together was cemented in their minds, even when Arthur had repeatedly whispered softly – 

_Merlin was holding him close, as if he was worried if he let got for even a second, Arthur would disintegrate right in front of him. His strong arms were wrapped around Arthur’s back steady and secure. Arthur felt safe. He had been teased and promised things to be done to his body he couldn’t refuse; he didn’t want to as long as it was Merlin that made these promises come true. Merlin had been relentless so far, taking satisfaction in the breathless mess he had rendered Arthur into. He couldn’t help pulling Merlin’s hair softly, just to have something to hold onto as the other man drove him crazy when he focused on his neck, his head thrown back, his eyes closed as the sensations almost overwhelmed him, Merlin’s touch burning a path on his skin that only Merlin was allowed to follow. Arthur had never felt this way before, had never had sex before where it wasn’t about the orgasm but about learning another person, seeing them in a different light that before. Never before Merlin. Arthur needed Merlin to know. He pulled tighter this time, until Merlin left his neck to look at him, eyes barely open, forehead leaning against his own, breath escaping them both. It wasn’t more than a whisper,_

_“I’m not going anywhere. You have me, Merlin. Body and soul. You have me. Take all you want.” If he could have the whole world hear it, he would, but he didn’t need to. As long as Merlin knew, for Arthur that was enough. And when the pleasure intensified tenfold and Merlin kissed him with a need he hadn’t expressed before; all words were gone. Arthur was gone._

Merlin never took more than Arthur was willing to give. He had loved Arthur, his body, his mind, his soul. He had worshipped him in a way no one else had, in a way this strange body moving against his could never even imagine of being worshipped. He hides the tears against the nameless neck, moves faster, hoping for pleasure to take over his mind, his memories, everything he has lost, and he will never get to experience again.

He wants to forget his love. It’s not his anymore.

No one has loved him better than Merlin. But someone can love Merlin better than Arthur can, he knows that.

So, he rolls with the motions, speeds up the tempo, kisses lips he won’t care to remember their feel afterwards. He does anything to keep up the pretence, ignore the sounds that are just not right, the touch that feels foreign on his skin, the call of him name that’s not spoken in the voice he wants to hear.

He does it all. If he finishes with Merlin’s name on his lips, whispered into the moonlight, lost in the night, no one else knows. Arthur barely even acknowledges it himself.

* * *

Merlin steps through the door, his body pushed against it, being closed behind them, lips attaching themselves to his neck, rushed fingers working at the buttons of his coat and Merlin feels like he can’t breathe. He feels the change in temperature as the fabric is pushed down his shoulders, thrown somewhere he can’t see. Slim fingers wander down to the button of his jeans, stopping when Merlin flinches. He didn’t mean to. He doesn’t know why he did.

“Can I?” The man says, but he doesn’t wait for an answer before he does.

A forehead leans against his own, looking down. He can feel a breath against his cheek, his own catches in his lungs when the zipper is being pulled. Whether he’s being ignored, or his companion is oblivious Merlin doesn’t know. He can barely think through the haze of wrongness that he’s into.

“Fuck. You’re so hot.” He keeps on speaking, saying things he wants to do with Merlin, but Merlin barely understands.

_“Fuck, you’re beautiful, Merlin. Tell me what you want.”_

_“You. I want you.”_

_“Touch me, then. Come on.”_

_“Uh-uh. What’s the magic word?”_

_“Please.”_

Merlin’s lost in the memory, hearing it all, every moment or all that can fit into the seconds he’s there. He has heard this all before, a different version, a similar setting, words that can’t compare, sensations that never failed to make him _want._

In a strange moment of clarity, Merlin realizes he doesn’t _want_ this.

“I’ve been waiting for so long, you know, waiting, wondering if you’d let me touch you and now-”

“Stop.” Merlin says and pushes the man away. The blue eyes blinking at him have nothing on the blue ones he keeps on dreaming, keeps on wishing.

“Wha-”

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” Merlin barely offers an explanation before he grabs his coat and closes the door behind him as he leaves, running down the stairs into the freezing cold of the night.

Merlin isn’t ready for this. He should have known he’s not. He’s messed up. It’s a myth; you can’t get over someone by lying under someone else, not when it’s one Arthur Pendragon you have to get over. He shouldn’t have let him go. He should have fought for him, for them. He should have talked to him.

‘Should’. That’s all he has to show for seven years of his life. How did it come to this?

As he walks on the streets, taking the long way home, Merlin’s memories are haunting him. He can’t go on like this. He can’t go on without _him_. He’s a broken man of what he used to be, and he can’t wait for Arthur to fix him – he doubts he even wants to. No, Merlin has to fix himself. He has to get his life together, for his own sake’s, for Arthur’s. Even if he’s never going to see him again. He owes him that much. And most of all, he owes it to himself.

Memories aren’t meant to be a haunted house. Merlin can change that much.


	4. Just Hold Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the last chapter. I have to say, this is my favorite one. It's the one that started this whole fic even though at the time it was only a scene playing over and over again in my head not yet translated into words on the screen. So, I hope you've enjoyed the ride so far, and hope this sums it up nicely. 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> -RC

_Arthur was waiting for him on the kitchen counter when Merlin came back from work late that night. He had a sombre look on his face, gaze locked at his intertwined fingers in front of him. “Arthur,” Merlin frowned, reaching out to grab his hand, comfort him because his heart was hurting at the pain he was witnessing. Arthur flinched away. And he knew. Merlin somehow knew what was coming._

_“We need to talk.” He barely looked at him, his voice steady, yet full of regret._

_“Arthur.” He knew. “You’re scaring me.” He knew. He knew. He knew._

_Arthur tried to find the words, tried to capture Merlin’s gaze even if it was fleeting now, “I don’t – I – sit down, Merlin. Please.” He added as an afterthought. In hindsight, maybe he shouldn’t have._

_Merlin stubbornly clenched his jaw, his mouth a hard line, his eyes, gaining colour as every moment passed them by. “I don’t want to.” He moved around Arthur, to get away. But he couldn’t go far, Arthur had always been the one to catch him. This was no exception._

_“Merlin, please,” He whispered into Merlin’s ear as he got up from his seat, his palm still around Merlin’s wrist. Merlin knew what Arthur wanted them to talk about, they both knew it. Denying it hadn’t helped them so far._

_“No. I don’t,” Merlin shook his head in determination. “I won’t. I have to go.” Fear was turning into anger and it made his body vibrate with it._

_Arthur sounded broken when he spoke, his voice soft in a way that didn’t fit the words coming out of his mouth, “Merlin. We can’t pretend anymore.”_

_Merlin whirled around, Arthur’s voice like a stab to the back when considering all their life had been. “Why not? You’ve been pretending for the past three weeks you haven’t been fucking someone else behind my back, why stop now?!” he spat at him, wanting to hurt Arthur like Arthur had hurt him back, had betrayed not just his trust, but all they had ever been._

_“Because we’re not working anymore!” Arthur yelled back at him. Merlin had to hand it to him, he didn’t pull any punches. They all found their mark.” We’re not talking, we’re barely sleeping in the same bed let alone doing anything else!”_

_Merlin’s hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his voice dropped to a dangerous whisper. “That’s not my fault.”_

_If Merlin thought Arthur felt regret before, that was nothing compared to what his face was expressing now. “I never said it is. But you know, Merlin. You know,” Arthur said as he stepped up to him. His face was a breath away, and yet Merlin didn’t feel the need to close the gap. He hadn’t felt that need for a while now. “We can’t go on like this.”_

_Merlin’s body slumped like a puppet whose string was cut off. The tension left his body as the inevitable replaced his previous world brick by brick. “I know.” He couldn’t do this standing. He moved around the house, going out the front door, hearing Arthur’s footsteps following close behind. Once upon a time, when Merlin had a late shift at work during the summer, sometimes Arthur would be waiting for him at the front porch, sitting on the swing, waiting for Merlin to curl up around him and look at the stars together. He almost did the same thing now. Almost. Instead, he sat on the swing, looking out into the night, and Arthur sat next to him in silence. “I never stopped loving you, you know.”_

_Arthur shook his head, “You did. We both did a long time ago.”_

_Merlin gulped. Arthur always used to do that, correct every little detail, making assumptions he thought fit the situation better. It never annoyed him as much as it did now. “If this is going to be the last conversation we ever have, you cannot dictate what I’m feeling,” he turned to look at him adamant. He waited until Arthur nodded and Merlin sighed. He closed his eyes for a moment, his head falling down of its own accord. Merlin looked for the strength to bring it back up, and when he did, he looked into those blue eyes he’d been watching for the last seven years. “I loved you.”_

_“I loved you, too.”_

_Merlin looked away first. “If you could turn back time, would you?”_

_As always, Arthur knew exactly what Merlin was asking. “To where I had never met you? No. Never.” His voice held no doubt. “You’ve been my whole world, Merlin,” he almost whispered into the night, Merlin barely catching it. But he caught the next part, another whisper Merlin was unsure if he was meant to hear. “I’d go back to when things were changing and I’d kiss you, bring you back to me.”_

_Merlin turned to him and waited for Arthur to look back in order to speak. “Why don’t you do that now?”_

_Arthur smiled self-deprecatingly but didn’t respond. He looked away again. “Would you?”_

_“I can’t imagine my life without you.”_

_Arthur nudged his shoulder, the way he always did when he was teasing him, a familiar smirk on his lips, his tone set, like the prince who knew everything, his voice an order in and of itself. “You’ve been living it for months now. You’ll manage.”_

_It punched a laugh out of Merlin, remembering all the times Arthur had stubbornly predicted their future. The sound died down, and Merlin realized, “I should not have laughed at this.”_

_“I don’t want you to stop laughing.” His voice was strong and sincere. It made Merlin look at him in surprise. “I know, I may not be there, next to you to hear it, but I don’t want you to stop.” His eyes still held the wonder they always used to when he looked at Merlin. Merlin was never going to stop being the most beautiful man in Arthur’s opinion, and his laughter was the best sound of all._

_“I won’t. As long as you promise not to stop smiling.” Before Merlin met Arthur, Arthur rarely smiled, he rarely had a reason to. He was always flummoxed every time Morgana called him a Grumpy Cat. Arthur was the happiest person he had ever known. It took him far too long to realize Arthur only ever smiled around him. Only when he had him did he start smiling at other people. And not the polite smile when he chivalrously opened the door for someone, or the silly smile at someone’s joke, or the trademark smirk of his. But a smile, smile at others for the only reasons that he could._

_Arthur smiled then, a small one just for him, “Deal.” The silence engulphed them in her arms then, both hesitant to break this fragile thread of glass they had just formed through their acceptance of a bond they’d always had. Arthur spoke eventually, “I want you to have the house.”_

_“Arthur, I-”_

_“Please.” Arthur smiled again kindly. “You love it here. I’ll move out.”_

_Merlin frowned. “I thought you loved it too.”_

_Arthur’s smile didn’t disappear, but it turned sad, hopeless, helpless. “I loved you.”_

_Merlin searched his eyes for something, anything. But Arthur seemed already gone. “Okay.” He hesitated, waited for a few minutes contemplating his next words, speaking and then stepping back. “Is this – no, never mind.”_

_Arthur looked at him curiously, “What?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“Don’t make me do this, Merlin,” his tone stern but playful._

_“What? No!” Merlin tried to push his away, his eyes widening but he wasn’t fast enough. Arthur had grabbed his head in a headlock, rubbing his fist firmly yet gently at the same time, messing his hair until Merlin cried uncle with a laugh. That’s better, he thought to himself._

_Merlin pulled back, the remnants of his laugh hanging between them. He looked at the dark sky searching for the stars that used to keep them company once upon a time when he admitted, “I don’t want this to be over.” As Arthur’s eyes saddened, his expression softened, the pain reflected almost unbearable, Merlin kept going, “I know, I know it’s over, but I – I don’t want this to be the last time we talk to each other.”_

_“Maybe it’s not.” Arthur’s eyes were unreadable, and Merlin didn’t have it in him to hope. “It won’t be.” He looked away for a moment to gather his thoughts, find the right words for this, the words that hurt them both less. “I – We’re both going to need some time, but if you ever need me, I’m going to be there. I still care about you, Merlin. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to stop. I couldn’t if I wanted to.” Arthur looked at Merlin’s face. He excused it inside his face that he was only trying to commit these angles to memory. But he knew – deep down he knew – they were engraved there. They would never let him go._

_Merlin nudged Arthur’s shoulder with his own, offering a tentative smile, “Friends, one day?”_

_“One day.” His eyes were unreadable again._

_“Hold me one last time?”_

_“Only if you hold me back.”_

_When Arthur wrapped his arms around him, Merlin held back just as tightly. He’d have to let go. The word ‘force’ was crossing his mind. But they had time. Didn’t they?_

_“I miss you already,” Merlin whispered into the night. He didn’t expect Arthur to hear him._

_But he felt Arthur’s lips touch his hair, felt something wet fall down the side of his face that didn’t come from him. “I miss you, too.” Only then did Merlin let the tears fall, safe in Arthur’s arms for however long it lasted._

_Two hearts broke that night, but the glass thread connecting them didn’t. It never would._

_Was that enough, though?_

_No, maybe not._

* * *

It’s one year later when they meet again. After Merlin’s promise to himself, he has started to get closer with Gwaine again, the two of them hanging out at any opportunity. He doesn’t know if he’s told Arthur. He knows they’re still living together. But he doesn’t know how deep that cohabitation runs. He’s never asked and Gwaine’s never offered that information himself.

He’s trying to balance the countless bags of crisps in his arms as he rings the doorbell to Gwaine’s apartment. There’s yelling coming from inside the house, the voice becoming clearer as it moves towards the door and Merlin almost bolts. He certainly freezes when the door opens and the man standing behind the threshold does the same.

“Hi,” Merlin manages to say and Arthur steps to the side to motioning with his body to come in, his face intentionally blank.

“I was just leaving,” he explains, and Merlin tells himself he’s imagining the apology in his tone. That’s when Gwaine comes in from his bedroom on the way to the kitchen and throws something that clings loudly at Arthur. Merlin’s not surprised he catches it mid-air. Arthur had always been the one with the best reflexes compared to Merlin, though he is a poor example when it comes to coordination.

“Wait,” his mouth speaks without permission before Arthur’s gone. He doesn’t dare thing how long Arthur would be gone for if he left right now. He doesn’t want to test when their paths would cross again. Because when it comes to Merlin and Arthur, it’s a when and he’d rather that when be now. “Stay?” Merlin offers hesitantly, not wanting to cross any lines, but he’s missed him. God knows he has. “I brought enough snacks for all of us.” He nods at the bags in his hands and one of them fall on the floor, because of course it does. He goes to pick it up, throwing down one more, but Arthur reaches the wayward snacks first, tutting at Merlin’s futile attempts.

His smile is hesitant but true when he stands up again and looks at Merlin. “You sure?” his voice cracks and Merlin wishes he didn’t imagine it. Arthur clears his throat and adds, “Because Gwaine eats like a pig.”

There a faint “Hey!” called from the kitchen, no wonder their friend eavesdropping and giving them space. Probably more the former rather than the latter. Arthur and Merlin both smile at Gwaine’s indignation, until Merlin leans in conspiratorially, “I’ll keep the popcorn for us then.”

“I heard that!”

Arthur laughs at that so openly that it surprises Merlin. Doesn’t help the blush go away as he looks at Arthur shrug off his leather jacket. “Alright. I’ll stay.”

If Merlin’s smiling like a loon, nobody says anything.

They both move towards the couch, Arthur in the process of taking a seat when he asks, “What are we watching?”

“Mean Girls.” Merlin’s smirk hadn’t always been so smug, had it?

Just like that Arthur springs up, only for Gwaine, carrying a case of beer, to push him back down with a “sit your butt down, princess. We’re doing this,” and sitting between his two friends, stealing some crisps from the coffee table.

If you asked Arthur which one of them is actually watching the movie, he wouldn’t be able to answer. Gwaine is constantly texting someone on his phone and Merlin’s has that glazed look in his eyes as he mechanically stuffs his face with gummy worms. He always eats gummy worms when he watches a movie, never popcorn, the weirdo. As for Arthur, he has no idea what the movie is even about. All he knows is that it’s a high school chick-flick and that’s only because of Morgana. He doesn’t pay attention to the plot. He can feel Merlin’s presence even though he’s not sitting directly next to him and it distracts him. It’s with a strange clarity he realizes he wants to sit next to him. Until he remembers he has no reason to. Has it always been like this?

He’s brought out of his musings when Gwaine pats his thigh, both his and Merlin he notices, and comes up with an excuse they can all see through as he puts on his coat. “Alright, I have to go. Percy has an emergency I must attend to.”

Merlin stops the movie and smirks at him teasingly, “Are you sure you need your coat then? Less is more, and all that.”

Gwaine laughs and winks as he replies, “Well, we wouldn’t want me to get frostbite before I get there, would we? Behave you two.”

“Gwaine!” Merlin groans and throws a popcorn at him because of course he can’t sacrifice a worm for this.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Gwaine’s out the door and the bucket of popcorn hits the wood instead of his face like Merlin wanted it to.

Merlin huffs at himself, muttering, “Subtle, Gwaine. Real subtle.” Though Arthur isn’t paying attention. At least when Merlin turns to look at him after a long moment, finally finding the courage to gage his reaction, Arthur is looking at Merlin as if he is trying to read what is going on in Merlin’s mind, as if he _wants_ to. Merlin doesn’t think further on why Arthur would want such a thing.

Before Merlin puts his foot in his mouth, Arthur speaks, looking at him with a raised eyebrow, his expression more serious than it’s been all night. “You know you just wasted a perfectly good bucket of popcorn, right?”

Merlin stares back, not knowing what else to do. He’s pretty sure his face looks like a deer caught in the headlights and Merlin goes for the only thing he can come up with – innocence. He widens his eyes, smiles just the right amount and offers an unsure, “Uh. Oops?”

Arthur squints his eyes momentarily, as if he knows exactly what Merlin’s trying to do, he knows exactly where that leads, where that used to lead. It’s a minute reaction that disappears as soon as Merlin notices. Arthur puffs his chest and smirks, moving closer to Merlin until their bodies are almost touching from shoulder to hip and thigh. “No matter. I guess I’ll have to steal from your gummy worms.” Arthur lifts his arm around Merlin’s shoulders, resting it on the back of the couch mockingly, though his heart is beating faster at his proximity to the other man. He doesn’t wish to tease Merlin so, but if it’s the closest he can get to what he wants, to what he’s wanted all these months, then he’ll take it.

Merlin’s too busy glaring at him though, patting away Arthur’s hovering hand to protect his bag of candy. “Try and I’ll cut your hand off.”

Arthur looks at him then, locks eyes with him, neither of them able to move. “Will you now, _Mer_ lin?” He speaks the way he used to, the way it always got to Merlin in one way or another, sometimes, just like now made him squirm in his seat and Arthur was irrationally pleased at the reaction. There is like a fire between them, something untamed and made of magic. It doesn’t matter how much oxygen you take for yourself, it never goes away, and it only needs a spark to burn fiercely once again, just like it’s doing now. Arthur’s heart has never felt so full unless Merlin’s with him. He doesn’t want him to go. He won’t let him go again. They forgot it all for a while, routine got the best of them, or maybe life did. But now Arthur knows what to do and knows what not to. His only hope is that Merlin has come to the same conclusion.

The answer can only be yes, as Merlin raises an eyebrow at him and Arthur’s back here where he left off with him, “Uh-huh. I dare you.”

Arthur’s eyes twinkle at Merlin’s determination and Arthur leans in, distracting Merlin and himself just so, lost in his stormy blue eyes, trying so hard to resist the magnetic force of his lips, though he’s pretty sure he fails at least once, “Well, since you dare me. What are you going to do about it?”

Wishful thinking, right? Because Arthur Pendragon is not leaning in closer staring at where might be his lips. It can’t be. “I’ll make you finish this movie with me, you clotpole,” Merlin answers with a scoff.

Arthur laughs, loud and free, and says, “That’s not as a severe punishment as you think it is, Merlin.”

Arthur is flirting, isn’t he? Merlin wants it so much to be flirting, he can’t hold back. “Maybe, I don’t mean it to be a punishment.”

“Okay.” His smile then, is not a grin nor a smirk. It’s the most genuine expression he has worn all night and Merlin suddenly remembers what contentment looks like on Arthur.

Merlin blushes; can’t help it. He looks so beautiful in the light of the movie, and he’s still leaning in. Merlin wants to kiss him. So instead, he scolds him, looking back at the screen, “Now shut up, or on Wednesday I’ll make you wear pink.”

Wednesday. Arthur’s breath catches in his throat. Because Wednesday is… “That’s four days from now. Does that mean you’ll be here?”

Merlin’s head turns fast, looking at Arthur speechless. He hadn’t meant it like that, it was only an expression, a movie reference. But if he has a chance to… to what Merlin doesn’t know but he wants to find out. He stares at Arthur’s eyes carefully, they’ve always betrayed his feelings, he takes a deep breath and jumps into this head-first. “Does that mean you want me to?”

Arthur gulps. He wants it, so much. But his traitor brain reminds him when he saw Merlin last and he has to know, he has to ask. “Is there no one you should go home to?”

Merlin’s eyes soften at that, his hand reaching out to touch Arthur’s, to hold it having missed the weight of it in his own for so long. “There is. That’s what I’m asking him right now.”

His palm turns in Merlin’s hand, locking their fingers together and Arthur’s answer leaves him in a breath, “Yes.” How could he say anything else? 

Merlin’s eyes widen in shock, as if a part of him expected Arthur to say to and Arthur wants to destroy that part with all the affection he can display. “You know I meant you right?” Merlin asks, as if he needs to clarify.

Arthur rolls his eyes at him and says one word, “Merlin?”

“Shut up?”

Merlin guesses correctly like always does, and Arthur laughs, shaking his head. “God, you haven’t changed one bit.”

But Merlin doesn’t agree. He tightens his hold, urging Arthur to listen, “I have. And so have you. But I think – I think this is why it’s going to work this time.” He tries to find the right words, though most of them are escaping him right now. It almost feels like a dream, but he doesn’t want to pinch himself and find out. If it is, he doesn’t want to know.

Arthur grins softly, understanding all that Merlin is saying, but having a different agenda in mind for this moment. “Are you planning on talking for longer?”

It’s Merlin’s turn to smirk at him then, his eyes glistening with mischief. “Why you want to go back to watching the movie?”

But this is no time for games. He can’t risk this, whatever it is their waving between them on a joke. He brings the arm on the back of the couch on Merlin’s shoulder and lower, until it wraps around his waist and hesitantly brings him closer to his own body, as if he’s still unsure if he’s allowed to do that. “I want to kiss you.”

Merlin searches his eyes, looking for a hit of a lie, but he can find none. All there is, is hope. “Then kiss me.”

Arthur does, and that’s how Merlin knows it’s not a dream. Because he’s dreamed of this moment countless of times. He’s tried to conjure up memories to feel Arthur just one more time. But none of them felt like this, so real, so right, so safe, so loved. That’s exactly what Merlin feels as Arthur moves against him and so much more he can’t describe. It’s that once in a lifetime moment that you see in movies and read about in books, all of them poor compared to the real thing.

When they come up for air, Merlin is straddling Arthur’s thighs, his hands buried in Arthur’s hair feeling Arthur’s arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Their foreheads are touching as Arthur admits in the silence, “Oh, and it’s not a ‘this time’ that’s going to work. It’s still us. We just needed some time to get here.”

Merlin smiles, because Arthur’s right. But he can’t admit that, can he? His head is already as big as his waist. “See, that’s what I mean we’ve changed. You’re kind of wise for a cabbage head.”

“Oh, I’ll show you cabbage head.”

Before Arthur locks their lips together again, Merlin laughs, because Arthur has never been good at intentional innuendos. “Really Arthur?” But his accidental ones… the memory of them has Merlin’s laughter die out. He doesn’t know what he’s doing to Merlin. He never did. Now it’s time to show him, he decides as Arthur touches the corner of his mouth with this thumb, his touch feather-light, but still leaving a trail of tingles behind.

“Shut up. It sounded better in my head.” Merlin barely pays attention to Arthur’s response and Arthur can’t hold it against him. Actions speak louder than words and that’s something Arthur has always placed emphasis on. Because through his actions, Merlin grounds him, heals him, anchors him to reality. He holds his head above water when Arthur’s too tired to swim. And Arthur holds him, keeps him close, shields him when the world is out to get him. Arthur will take a thousand hits, give his on life if it means Merlin won’t even be harmed once. Because this is what they do to each other.

They are all they need. And no matter how many times they derail their journey from their shared path, they will always find their way back, back to each other, back where they belong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has read this story, has pressed the kudos button or commented. Until next time... *awkward salute* 
> 
> -RC

**Author's Note:**

> So... I hope you liked it. Did you?   
> The fic is finished, so I will be uploading a new chapter every day. 
> 
> There is also a list of songs that inspired this whole story, I have created a playlist on spotify with them in it, called [M.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ugq4MRwxSpc6lIYU6SnNt) . (If the link doesn't work, you can search the app with the same title, M.) but for those of you that don't have it, here is the list in case you wanna listen to it while reading this fic: 
> 
> 1\. I'll Be Fine Somehow - Benjamin Ingrosso, Julie Bergen  
> 2\. Too Much to Ask - Niall Horan  
> 3\. I Found - Amber Run  
> 4\. Skyfall - Adele  
> 5\. Wide Awake - Glee Cast version  
> 6\. Lie To Me - 5 Seconds of Summer  
> 6\. Already Gone - Sleeping At Last  
> 7\. I Can't Go On Without You - Kaleo  
> 8\. Visions of Gideon - Sufjan Stevens  
> 9\. Find My Way Back - Cody Fry
> 
> (I don't own any of the songs, obviously.)
> 
> So, any thoughts so far? Hope you liked it, and stay safe!
> 
> -RC


End file.
